Chapter 1
I found myself staring off into space again. I've been doing that a lot lately. Not because my mind wanders, which it does from time to time, but from boredom. Boredom from monotony is the best way to phrase it. Life seems to be the same repetitive cycle of events, day in and day out, I do the same tasks, eat the same food, and watch the same TV shows. Nothing ever seems to change. Is this a bad thing or a good thing? I have yet to decide. One thing that is different, however, is that I have started listening to music a lot more lately, anything that has a decent beat. Anything that's upbeat enough to take my mind off of whatever it tends to wander to these days. Motion City Soundtrack seems to be doing the trick for now. I've been taking my music everywhere with me on my iPod. My headphones, literally, never leave my ears. I've wondered if this makes me anti-social, but haven't gotten enough feedback from others to really make a decision either way. I tell myself, it's because I like making a soundtrack to my life, pretending that life is something more grand than it truly is, but in the end I know it's not. It's just fun to imagine sometimes.
My girlfriend, Haley, says that my new take on life is, as she put it "refreshing". She says I'm finally seeing things for what they really are, and not just what I want them to be. She's big into herbal remedies and indie rock, so, as of late, my unconventional way of thinking seems very conventional in her eyes and it has brought us a lot closer together. Haley is perhaps the sweetest girl I have ever met. Everything she does, she does with good intentions, yet sometimes things don't work out for her.
I have tremendous respect for all the bullshit she has put up with over the last 9 years. Her mom passed away when she was 10. I guess her father didn't know how to handle it, because instead of being the loving dad he was when she was younger, he turned to drinking and hitting her in order to deal with his pain.
She ran away at 14, after nearly 3 years of abuse, and went to live with a friend in Michigan. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like at 14, to be at a bus stop with a ticket, 200 dollars that you stole from your dad, and a duffle bag crammed with clothes. I would have been scared shitless, but she wasn't. She knew it was what she had to do. She told me the scariest part was the thought that, even though she was leaving, she still loved her dad and that with the path she was taking she may not get to see him again. That was the only time she ever cried about it.
I met Haley a month after she moved home at a concert downtown. She looked stunning, and being the cocky, overt guy I tend to be, I couldn't help but talk to her. Needless to say, I got her phone number and the rest, at least to this point in time, is history. It's been six months so far. We've fought and argued like all couples do, but when it's over and I look through the hair hanging over her face and into her eyes, I know that I love her.
Chapter 2
I went to visit my Dad in the nursing home today. You can't help but be depressed when you enter a place like that. It has the distinct smell of floor sanitizer and piss, and everywhere around you nurses are wheeling people, who appear already dead, in wheelchairs. My dad is only 66 years old but, through of a lifetime of heavy drinking and smoking, a burden I have accepted upon myself as well, he has lost the ability to support himself without the aid of machines. He had a live-in nurse for awhile, but after the insurance company refused to continue funding it, we were forced to pack up his belongings and put them in storage, while he was relocated to Delmar Acres retirement home.
Every time I visit my Dad, I cry. Not because he's on his last leg, but because I know, mentally, he's still capable. I can see it in his eyes that he hates what he's become. He doesn't communicate very well, because his vocal cords are damaged from the surgery he had on his throat a year ago. His speech is slow and methodical and to the point. He doesn't waste time with frivolous words. He says exactly what he wants to say and never anything more.
I miss the father I grew up with. The one who would order pizza for me on Saturday nights and we'd watch Saturday Night Live together. I know this is the same man, but he doesn't feel the same. Every time I see him, he changes, and never in a good way. I wish there was something I could do to help him, but there isn't.
Chapter 3
Haley and I exchanged gifts today because it was Christmas. I got her a DVD about quantum physics because she is interested in things like that. She didn't get me anything because she doesn't believe in Christmas, but it's ok. I'd rather give gifts than receive them anyway. I've never really had a Christmas like they have in the movies, with the big families and the huge, colorful tree. Mine have been reserved for minor gift giving and the occasional meal at home with my dad. This year, Haley had "family stuff" to do, that I wasn't invited to, so Christmas, like it usually does, ended at around 10:30a.m. I spent the rest of the day laying around and watching crappy TV. One channel even showed a burning log in a fireplace, with Christmas music playing over the video, for 6 hours. You'd have to be high to get any kind of enjoyment out of something like that. Late that evening I decided I wanted to get out and associate with other people. Unfortunately on Christmas not much is open except for pharmacies and casinos. I opted for the latter.
I couldn't help notice that the colorful lights of the casino do a damn good job of representing the holidays year round. Each light of the slot machine twinkles with the hope delivering that special someone a life changing gift. Yet, as I wondered amongst the people in the casino, I couldn't help but notice how unsatisfied they all looked. Everyone appeared to be on their last leg, only able to support themselves with that twinkling hope. I wonder if I appear that way to other casino observers. Do I appear sad and disheveled as I wonder the lights? I hope I don't.
Chapter 4
I was eating lunch the other day at this awesome deli in town. As I took my first bite into my sandwich, a girl walked by with the wearing the same perfume my ex used to wear. The instant that scent hit my nostrils, all the memories of her flooded into my head. The long drives, the shopping trips, talking on the phone for hours, her smile: it all hit me simultaneously. Everything came back all at once, like getting hit with a baseball bat. The only reason I even mention this is because the first feeling I felt was excitement, followed by depression, followed by guilt. All of this occurred within 30 seconds of each other. I was excited because I thought it was actually her, I was depressed when it wasn't, I felt guilty because I thought of Haley and how I was letting her down by having these feelings. Was I really letting her down? Doesn't everybody feel remorse for relationships they've lost?
I love Haley to death, but my ex exceeds her in only one category; sex. My ex was down for anything. Haley has never been one to freely have sex. It seems like I have to fight her on it every time we do it. It almost feels like I'm play-raping her, and I only say play-raping and not actual raping because she's my girlfriend. Honestly, I feel bad whenever we finish because it never seems likes she really wanted to. I don't really care though.
Chapter 5
I have no idea what Haley's deal is lately. She is incessant about me spending more time with her. I already spend every waking hour of my free time with her. What the fuck else does she want from me? I tried to reason with her and let her know that I make as much time for her as I can, but I can't be expected to skip work to go to the Goddamn mall. She didn't seem to enjoy reasoning very much because as she put it, "I need to quit talking down to her." "It's not my fault. If you're gonna act like a child, I'm gonna treat you like one."
Those eyes that are normally reserved for loving glances were filled with a fire that I had never seen before after I said that. It was anger that I didn't even know she had in her. It had to have been dwelling for a long time because only pent up rage and frustration could have caused her hit me as hard as she did. I stood there in shock as the nerves in my face sent the stinging sensation throughout my body. This sweet, innocent girl, who I have to come to love so much, unleashed a blow that, to me, represented everything she dislikes about me. I had half the mind to clench my fist and return the favor, but I composed myself and simply turned my back on her and left. I went outside and stood in the driveway staring at the sky and chain-smoking cigarettes.
I tend to stare up at the sky when things trouble me. It helps to remind how small I am compared to this universe. I might need to reevaluate how serious I've gotten with Haley over these last few months. Things seem to have been taken to a new level tonight and I'm not exactly sure where this new path is going to take us.
Chapter 6
I ate fast food today and I don't mean salad from McDonald's, I mean double bacon cheeseburger, large fries, and a large chocolate shake. I haven't had any of those things in over 3 years. I could feel my arteries clogging with each and every bite. I thought my heart would simply stop working before I stood up from the table, yet I reveled in every minute of it. I felt it was something I needed.
Ever since I was little I've loved food, any food. I can remember sneaking Oreo cookies before school and then hurrying up to brush my teeth so my mom didn't see the chocolate on them. I can remember throwing a temper tantrum when my dad ordered pizza with onions on it. In protest, all I had for dinner was gum. Unfortunately, all these Oreo sneakings and pizza dinners made me the fat kid of my late grade school and high school years.
It's hard going into high school being 5'11'' and 250 pounds. People I thought were my friends, turned out to be the same people who ridiculed me and mocked me behind my back, and all of this because I couldn't control the amount of food I put in my mouth. If any good came from being the fat kid, it was that it helped to shape my personality. It helped me to take things with a grain of salt, instead of letting things fester in my own mind. Being able to brush of other people's thoughts and feelings about me is something I consider one of my strongest virtues, yet I steal yearn for acceptance. It's because of that yearning that I started working out at the gym in my town. Little by little, I turned myself from the fat kid, who was the class clown, to the good looking guy, who had to beat back the girls with a stick. Every compliment I received fed my ego, and in turn fueled my intensity at the gym.
The main reason why I bring all this up was because I saw a kid today who reminded me much of myself in my early high school years. You'd think after all the verbal abuse I faced, I could have sympathized with this kid, but did I? Not one bit. In fact, I mocked him. Not to friends or bystanders, just quietly to myself. What does this say about me as a human being? Without going to far into analyzing my own head, I can tell you what it means. I FEAR HIM. Not as a person, but what he represents to me. He is everything I hated about myself when I was younger. Overweight, probably lonely (definitely from a girlfriend standpoint), he probably stays home on weekends and plays video games instead of socializing with friends. These are things that I never want to be ever again, and so with every bite of my cheeseburger today I relished it and despised it all at the same time. Fifteen minutes after I was finished I was in the bathroom making myself throw up my dinner.
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